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Standing in the empty classroom, furniture pushed to the side, I didn’t have a plan for my somatic experiencing session. I held a lifetime of stress in my nervous system but I didn’t have a name for it yet, and it would be years until I could put words to what my body already knew.
Amy1 began our session with some orienting exercises. My body immediately heaved and lurched with all it carried. Shame churned deep inside my belly. I quickly lost all grip on time. A thick veil of blackness descended over me. My legs wobbled. I couldn’t hold myself up any longer. Amy placed her hands on my chest and back, supporting the weight of my body between her palms as my legs threatened to collapse underneath me. A feeling of tenderness pierced the fear held in my core. I wondered if this was what it felt like to be reborn. In my mind's eye, a little fawn appeared, stumbling around on uncooperative legs.
As the darkness lifted, my stomach began to seethe, trying to expel the parasite living within me. My mouth filled with saliva. A chemical smell from the industrial carpet floor filled my nostrils. I was going to vomit. Amy gently suggested I wait and see what happens. I let the saliva and mucus accumulate at the back of my throat. As the saliva built in my mouth, so did my anger. I resisted the urge to swallow the self-loathing that climbed up my esophagus. I spat the vile fluid from my mouth into a tissue.
Doubled over the trash can in the sterile classroom room. Strings of drool hung from my mouth. I let myself be disgusting in front of a woman I had never met before. I purged all the rage and pain I had turned inwards, out into the small metal container. Each drop of moisture that rose up my digestive tract was a time capsule containing the disallowed parts of myself, relics preserved to communicate to my future self all the parts of me that had been lost.
Finally, my body had emptied itself of all liquids, I wiped my mouth on the back of my forearm, debriefed the session, paid, thanked my compassionate and fearless guide and went to lunch.
I’d spent years clawing my way to the fine edge of the tipping point. After the session I never drank again.
The constant physical urge to close the small, soft, pink tissue of my throat, over my voice box and contract my esophagus to push down any hint of self expression, had dissipated.
Over the next few years, I gradually uncovered the little girl that had been buried alive in the earth, suffocating and almost lifeless. My life slowly transformed into a new and unrecognizable version of itself, as did I.
The things that people talk about being hard about not drinking, like going to parties, were fairly manageable. The things people didn’t talk about, such as the identity crisis that comes from staying awake and present every single moment of life, were incredibly difficult. My sobriety challenged the systems and relationships that relied on my drinking, my shame and my silence.
I got sober at a time when the only place I could get support with examining my relationship to drinking seemed to be Alcoholics Anonymous. Going to a meeting and announcing myself as an Alcoholic to a group of strangers felt like an abrasive place to start, even though I love the idea of sharing openly and following steps to recovery. I forged ahead reading books, listening to podcasts, meditating and doing yoga—longing to be part of a sober community.
At the same time, my studies in the field of trauma led me to a week-long training with Peter Levine at Kripalu. He was gentle, wise, and humble with a powerful ability to communicate directly with people’s nervous systems. I knew immediately that I wanted to complete his training program to become a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner. My Somatic Experiencing training led me to the moment, standing doubled over myself, emptying my shame into a trash can, unlocking the places inside of myself that I couldn’t reach with yoga or therapy. It also helped me to understand the wisdom of preserving myself in a time capsule of ethanol.
I’d never considered that embodied trauma therapy would be the critical part of my recovery journey so I share this story for the folks who may not have considered Somatic Experiencing as an approach to healing traumatic shame and supporting sobriety. Also, as an illustration of the surprising and unglamorous places we may find ourselves when we persist in following our intuition on the path of healing and how crossing over the invisible threshold of recovery can be disgusting, painful, lonely, and perfectly magical.
Check out my online Yoga for Emotional Health and Healing training program
A 10-module online program to confidently and seamlessly integrate yoga therapy into your clinical practice to support clients with anxiety, depression and trauma. This training equips you with the Soulful Yoga Therapy Methodology: the framework and practical skills for you to help individual clients and small groups through yoga therapy whilst owning your unique vision as a therapist.
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