I’ve cried many tears over the years about friendships. Friendships I thought were one thing and actually were something different. Friendships of convenience rather than substance. Friendships where I’d hurt the other person deeply without realizing. Friendships built upon so many lies that I’d lost all sense of reality. All along, I believed if I worked harder, my friendships would continue to grow or at least exist, lifeless, like an unwatered plant on the windowsill.
Historically, I’ve co-signed friendships that weren’t working, because I naively thought there must be some mistake—there is no way someone would be hurtful, selfish or unkind to another human. Of course, I’m acutely aware of the reasons people struggle in relationships and how through our suffering we have all hurt others, intentionally and unintentionally.
But mostly, I have allowed these friendships to continue because deep in my bones, I knew if I called the relationship into greater intimacy, it would disappear completely, like water through cupped hands. So rather than test the strength of these friendships, I’ve contemplated giving up on friendship all together. The ultimate power move against my own fear—self-annihilation and alienation. But giving up would be a different version of what I have been practicing all along, instead of muting myself inside of relationships, I’d be muting myself outside of relationships.
I’m not alone in my struggles with friendship. A recent report published by the US Surgeon General, states that approximately half of U.S. adults report experiencing loneliness. Over the last twenty years our social isolation has increased by 24 hours per month, leading to increased risk for premature death, heart disease, stroke, anxiety, depression, and dementia.1 Our lack of connection is slowly killing us.
The social fabric that binds us together is more fragile than ever before. America has an intimacy problem perpetuated by hyper-individualism, personal brands and the digitalization of connection. We have morphed into avatars of ourselves, moving through the world with an over inflated sense of self importance. Polarized in our relationships with others (and ourselves), we lack the ability to tolerate nuance or complexity. Our narcissism justifies any action that enables the satisfying of desires.2
Underneath our growing separation and slow disintegration of connection, lives the fear that if we are truly known, we will be outcast, rejected, abandoned or canceled. So we close our eyes to the pain we cause each other (and ourselves) born from our untended fear, rage and shame. Avoiding the productive tension and healthy conflict necessary for intimacy and growth. We retreat to positions of grandiosity or shame, perpetuating a culture of lying, silence, and lovelessness.
In all about love, Bell hooks writes:
Healing requires us to not take the victim stance, rather we need to speak into our shame and our pain courageously. Taking responsibility and accountability for ourselves, constructively, is required to move us towards greater intimacy, love and friendship.3 When we choose love, we choose to move against fear—against alienation and separation. The choice to love is a choice to connect—to find ourselves in the other.4
To cultivate real friendship we must gather up the fragments of ourselves we have concealed and hidden for protection—like horcruxes—and pursue intimacy in all its beautiful messiness. We must be willing to lean into differentiation, productive conflict and the full spectrum of our emotions with communication, self-reflection, boundaries, humility, responsibility, courage and respect.
Seeking to move with bravery and vulnerability, without trying to manipulate and control others. We must make a commitment to turn towards each other again and again, even when it feels hard. Pouring a thousand marbles into the jar of trust, so when the jar inevitably tips over and some of the brightly colored glass balls scatter and roll away, a strong foundation of connection still remains, so we can navigate through difficult times together.
Moving from fear to intimacy requires us to create friendships where we can surrender to each other and believe when we let ourselves be fully seen and known—we will be held.
The space between our fear and friendship, our isolation and intimacy, our self importance and vulnerability is vast, so as we are make the slow journey back from lovelessness to connection, our suffering may become more intense.5
So we ask ourselves: Are we willing to lean into the stomach churning, voice shaking, heart pounding vulnerability necessary to foster aliveness in our friendships? Or will we let our friendships merely exist, decaying like an unwatered plant on a windowsill?
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US Surgeon General’s Advisory. (2023). Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation. Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation. https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf
hooks, b. (2022). All about love: New visions. William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers. p.117
hooks, b. (2022). All about love: New visions. William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers. p.233
hooks, b. (2022). All about love: New visions. William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers. p.93
hooks, b. (2022). All about love: New visions. William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers. p.160